Alright Steven, here we go just some starting context of the impressions I picked up from the piece that's now driving my assumptions.
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Genre: Romance
Style: Comedy or Drama
Content: Starcrossed Lovers/Love Triangle
Reality: Well-to-do/Period Piece
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Getting pretty strong Elizabeth Swan and William Turner vibes from the sequence.
I may be off, but that's the fun of doing this blind. :D
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Overall: There's nothing overly challenging about the writing, but the sequence doesn't capture attention.
There's a good progression that goes from young woman trying on a dress for a big event, to young woman going with her grandfather to the market to see a crush - but there's not much tension in the conflict of that progression.
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Major Observations: There seem to be two main points of conflict and those are the "Ball" and the "Apple Man"
The Ball is the starting conflict of the sequence and feels like it points to being a larger point of conflict for at least the first 25% of the story, if not more. This is because of everyone being on her case about presenting well. It comes across that there's something of significance relying on her. (If I'm looking at the assumptions that are usually something to do with maintaining the family fortunes/status)
The challenge here is that there's nothing that really seems to affect or impact Lenore. She shows no distinct characterization, personality, or agency - even internally.
It's clear that her family views her as flawed in some capacity but nothing in the sequence sets the reader on it. I don't mean by stating it either. She can reflect this in her actions and speaking.
Some questions I asked my self based on her current form:
Is she lazy or rebellious? (doesn't want to hold her arms up)
Is she uninterested in the Ball/ the societal position she holds?
Is she "quirky" or undesirable by some standard? (a hopeless romantic or "dreamer")
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To pull some generalities in: Similar scenes like this are often focused on both setting some stakes (the family is in ruin and it's now this daughters obligation to save them) or it establishes a standard set of "rules" the well-to-do daughter is expected to adhere to, but either rebels or fails to meet throughout the story.
Yet no one in the family is acting as much of an obstacle. The sister is a little snarky, the mother a little overbearing, the grandfather oblivious, and even the family seamstress is accomodating.
By the end the focus shifts from the Ball which at the moment has the importance attached to it of any Friday night event to the "Apple Man".
Which everyone seems to be aware of the infatuation, that they don't agree with, but have little more than passing remarks about it. The mother is especially odd with her muted response.
Going off your share that this is a character intro, I can't honestly tell who it's a character intro for. The grandfather seems to get the strongest focus, but it seems like the "Apple Man" line gets the emphasis of being at the end of chapter mention.
I do wonder if upwards of 7 characters aren't diminishing the sequence's ability to get across to the reader a proper character introduction.
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To amplify this sequence: I would offer to consider starting the sequence by more distinctly bringing Lenore into it (as the lens she has very little page presence). I'd point to Motivation and Reaction Units or MR Units as a guide to doing this. Put her opinions about the Ball right up front and have that help paint her and other people's reactions in the sequence. (This sets up a view of who she is in the "old world" of her current circumstances.) Don't be hesitant to have the opinions and feelings of everyone in the room on display and even clash. No confrontations are needed to extend the sequence they can just hang in the air for now.
Consider cutting or combining characters and offer more page real estate to characterization and related stakes. I haven't mentioned story stakes much in this feedback, but it being Chapter 4 it's likely that stakes are still in a critical progression of communication to the reader.
At the point that the "Apple Man" is brought into the picture use her reactions, now that he is the focus instead of the ball, to foreshadow the "new world" of who she will become at later major plot turns in the story.
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Ok, that's probably enough to chew on. As I say to my writers' group. Take anything that's helpful and completely ignore anything that is not! I'm just another random person spouting nonsense after all. :)
It's your story, so always follow your instincts! Cheers!
